The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships & How to Kick Them to the Curb!

If you’ve ever been in a relationship—whether romantic, familial, or even a close friendship—you’ve probably encountered the occasional communication hiccup. Maybe you’ve had a disagreement that spiraled into a full-blown argument or even found yourself dreading certain conversations. We’ve all been there! But what if I told you there are specific communication patterns that predict relationship distress? And more importantly, there are ways to fix them?

Enter the Gottman’s concept: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—four communication styles that are almost guaranteed to predict relationship breakdowns. Sounds dramatic, right? Well, these "horsemen" can be pretty destructive if left unchecked, but the good news is that there are antidotes—simple strategies to counter them.

Let’s take a closer look at these four common communication patterns and how you can prevent them from damaging your relationship. With the strategies below, you can improve how you talk to each other and avoid unnecessary conflict.

1. Criticism: "You Always..."

You know the drill: you're frustrated, your partner’s done something that’s bugging you, and your go-to line becomes, “You always…!" or “You never…!” That’s criticism at work. It's more than just pointing out a behavior; it attacks the other person’s character, making them feel like they’re fundamentally flawed. And trust me, nobody likes feeling like they’re being judged at their core.

Antidote: Use a Softened Start-Up

Instead of leading with a critical statement, try to frame your feelings in a way that doesn’t attack your partner's character. Use "I" statements like:
"I feel frustrated when...,"
"I noticed that when...,"
"I’d really appreciate it if..."

For example, instead of saying, "You never help around the house!" try, "I feel overwhelmed when there’s a lot of housework to do, and I would really appreciate it if we could figure out a way to share the load more."

Starting a conversation softly creates a safer space for your partner to listen without feeling defensive.

2. Contempt: "You're So Dumb!"

Contempt is nasty—it’s when you mock, belittle, or outright disdain your partner. Think eye-rolls, sarcasm, or even worse, insulting them personally. Contempt is one of the most dangerous horsemen because it conveys disgust, and it can really hurt your emotional bond. Over time, it erodes respect and makes it nearly impossible to resolve conflict productively.

Antidote: Build a Culture of Appreciation

The antidote to contempt is appreciation. No one wants to feel disrespected, so make a conscious effort to express gratitude, respect, and admiration for your partner—especially when they’re doing something well. Compliment the little things!
For example, “I really appreciate how you handled that situation today” or “I love that you always make time to listen to me, even when you’re busy.”

Regular and sincere appreciation can help counterbalance any negativity and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Plus, who doesn’t want to feel cherished?

3. Defensiveness: "It's Not My Fault!"

Defensiveness is when you respond to a partner’s complaint by making excuses, deflecting blame, or even attacking them in return. Instead of taking responsibility for your part in the situation, you’re only escalating the tension.

Antidote: Take Responsibility

You don’t have to be completely at fault, but acknowledging your role in the conflict—no matter how small—can go a long way. Even saying something simple like, “I can see how that upset you,” or “I’m sorry that I contributed to that misunderstanding” can defuse the tension. By owning your part in the issue, you show that you’re willing to collaborate toward a solution, not just protect your own ego.

4. Stonewalling: "I'm Not Listening"

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down completely during a disagreement—physically or emotionally. Maybe they withdraw, avoid eye contact, or just give one-word answers. It's a defense mechanism to avoid feeling overwhelmed or to shut down a conversation they don’t want to engage in, but it only makes things worse. When one partner stonewalls the other, it leaves the other person feeling unheard and abandoned.

Antidote: Physiological Self-Soothing

If you or your partner tend to stonewall, it’s important to recognize the signs of emotional flooding (when your body becomes so overwhelmed by emotions that it becomes difficult to think clearly). If either of you feels overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break. But here’s the key: Set a time to return to the conversation. Don’t just disappear.
“I need a 10-minute break to calm down, but I promise we’ll talk about this in a little while.”

It’s also helpful to practice deep breathing or grounding techniques (like counting to 10 or doing a brief mindfulness exercise) to regulate your emotions before diving back in. Self-soothing techniques can help keep you engaged, rather than retreating into silence.

So, What Now?

By recognizing and countering these Four Horsemen, you can avoid the breakdown of communication in your relationship. Start small by focusing on one antidote at a time and see how it shifts the way you and your partner communicate. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it gets better with practice. If you’re not perfect right away, don’t stress! The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. Relationships take work, but with the right tools, you can navigate conflict with more ease!